That does not mean though, that I am without joy. Joy is present right along with sadness and remorse.
We tend to think that remorse and the grieving process happens after the death of a friend or loved one.
But I’ve discovered for myself that remorse and grieving can happen daily … essentially.
It all depends on what I am saying “Good-bye” to.
I’ve said “Good-bye” to a number of things like …
A career and most recently, a job.
My children … releasing them to live their lives.
Family members and friends … moving away or passing away.
I’ve also said “Good-bye” to …
My young body … what the flop happened there?!!!
My choice of foods … no more messing around with my health!
My ideas about right and wrong … everybody is right! I’m good with that!
My beliefs and truths … holding on to them has inflicted pain and the feeling of imprisonment!
Who I thought I was, my identity! … I’m so much more than any label!
Recently, I have released the need to write and create … not my doing. It just happened.
I tried to grab for it … reach for it … demand that it stay, but it escaped me anyway.
Like trying to hold on to a dissolving sugar crystal in a pan of water … it just slowly disintegrated … dispersing into its space.
It’s still within it’s space, but it can no longer be harnessed.
It’s presence is all around and it’s still available and yet, it can no longer be grasped.
It’s been a humbling release. Writing has brought me so much pleasure and purpose. But … the desire and inspiration is just not there. As a matter of fact, writing this piece feels differently to me. That spot deep within is no longer being soothed like some kind of drug that gives me a good hit! If you’re creative, you know what spot I’m talking about!
It’s weird really … to release and simply Be. There’s peace and contentment; void of the emotional sensations of worthiness and purpose.
Until I experienced the feeling of just BE-ing, I could not imagine what life would be like without feeling like I had a purpose … that my life is supposed to mean something.
Everything is still available to me at all times, but it can no longer be manipulated and misused.
Its all nourishment, free from being harnessed and controlled.
I’ve changed so much in the last 10 years. I am so, incredibly, humbled! I’ve realized that I essentially grieve every day in some way or another because of what I’ve released and said “Good-bye” to, and what I’ve had to let go of in order to preserve my spiritual and emotional health.
Sadness and the feeling of loss is a normal and healthy process.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be free from saying “Good-bye” to parts of myself. I’ve been grieving for so long that I’m not sure what it would feel like to be done shedding and releasing old ways of being and old ways of cherishing and holding on.
That does not mean though, that I am without joy. Joy is present right along with sadness and remorse. The two can be present together, believe it or not.
I spent the first 50 years of my life cultivating, building, accomplishing, creating and wondering.
I’ve begun spending the second half of my life, letting all of that go … releasing it ALL!!!
I used to think that if I cherished something or held on to an idea, it was some kind of currency that assured me of stability and presence, that brought me peace and joy.
But … when I let go of all of my ideas about what I think my life is or what I think I am, I’m left in this vast, open space of endless ideas and possibilities. I’m getting used to Be-ing present with JUST myself and no one else.
If everything in my life passed away and I was left with me, myself and I, will that be enough for me to thrive?!!!
I heard someone refer to my internal world as being vibrant and alive and I have to agree.
I’m very content with myself.
I have a rich inner world that is perpetually nourishing my BE-ing and none of it is being fed with thoughts. Instead, it’s nourished by letting thoughts go … like I’m in a perpetual state of meditation.
I no longer have fearful past or future thoughts that rob me of experiencing this moment.
I no longer wish or crave for something in my world, to offer escape from my fears and my thinking mind.
I no longer feel compelled to “Do” something in order to feel of value to my life … like I’m contributing to a quality of life that I may be denied if I don’t “Do” something about it.
Be-ing willing to let go of anything in my world without feeling like I need to hold on to preserve my comfort level, is my new way of Be-ing. That has not come without grieving and feeling some remorse.
If I ask myself if I want to go back to any part of my life, there is absolutely no desire to go there. I do want to see what is next. I do want to experience more of this life rather than going back.
What is next and what am I going to say “Good-bye” to?
God only knows and I’m willing to find out, even if that means I may be sad and grieve a little.
Freedom happens moment by moment in my new world as I release and set free my ideas.
What remains is gratitude for all that is within my experience.
I love you so much!
Thank you for being here with me now.