“It is not what you want that you attract …
You attract what you believe to be true” – Neville Goddard
Our individual experiences can be summed up by the stories that we tell.
Our lives can be explained by what we believe to be true.
I’ve always considered myself to be a positive person.
Up until recently when I began going through the Change of Life, I could persuade, charm, flirt and coax most anyone into a more pleasant state of being. I needed to do that in order to have control over my world and to create a more pleasant surrounding in my life. Comfort was key and I knew how to bend my circumstances to bring me more peace and contentment.
And then the Change of Life happened and slowly I began losing the need to create a more peaceful surrounding for myself. I was sinking into a deep hole and I needed to feel the sensations of losing control over my world and my environment and as a result, I settled into a space that some may call “Depression”. I’m not really sure I was there but if I went to the doctor and was asked a series of key questions, I probably would have been prescribed something to bring me more into balance.
I knew I was safe. I didn’t need to be diagnosed. What I needed was to go to my shadow places … those dark corners that I decorated and made pretty in order to appear like I had my shit together. I was losing my shit and I was ready to get intimate with it.
No more messing around!
No more pretending!
No more masking or covering up in order to appear acceptable.
It was time for me to get real with all of me because for the first time in my life, I really wanted to fall in love with all of me … all of my perceived flaws … all of my fears … all of my insecurities. I did not schedule this time in my life. It scheduled me and I was helpless to resist.
I knew I was wandering into uncharted territory and as terrifying as it was, something was drawing me in and I had absolutely no control over my intentions. All I could do was surrender and trust. I didn’t want to take a pill to mask my symptoms. I wanted to feel it all and get intimate with it in order to understand who I am and what I am about.
I don’t judge anyone who is going through what I went through or is going through it now and medication has supported you along the way. We all have to find our way in this experience and as exquisite and individual as each path is, it all creates for a dynamic experience. I cheer you on! Keep going!
Did I want this experience? I’m not sure I can answer that. I wanted to get to know me. I wanted to get intimate with who I thought I was and so if that meant diving into depression or a deep, dark hole, then I was ready to go there.
Does that mean that I attracted this experience? Perhaps. I can’t ever know for sure.
If it’s true that we attract what we believe to be true for ourselves and that becomes our experience, I still can never know for sure how and why it all happened. It just was, and I was in it, and I was experiencing something that I was divinely guided through.
I felt lost but I don’t know if I was lost.
I felt depressed but I do not know if I was depressed.
I felt despair but I do not know if I was hopeless.
I laughed but I do not know if I was happy.
I cried but I do not know if I was sad.
I felt pain but I do not know if I was in pain.
I felt love but I do not know if I was in love … with anything.
I was in an experience that I have lost all words to because as each day passed, I gave up the ability to judge any of it. It’s not that I just threw judgment out the window and it was all of a sudden gone. It was a process that escaped me like a slow trickle out of a leaky faucet.
If I try to describe it all into words for you, I will reread a sentence that describes it and ask myself if it is true and in that instant moment, I will answer with a “No” … “No, it is not true“.
Nothing in my experience is true. I cannot state anything for a fact. I cannot tell a true story. I cannot give formulas, rules, recipe’s or examples and have any of it mean anything because I cannot trust myself with my thoughts or memories.
I could tell you a story as I remember it but if you question me and ask if it was really that way or that is exactly how I remember it, I will instantly realize that I can never be sure.
But a story can be fun, engaging, relatable, enchanting, adventurous and a way for us to connect and that is what makes this life so rich. I do not believe in anything but I’ll tell you a story about it and we can laugh or cry about it and it’s fun and I get to share something with you but please … do not take anything I say too seriously. It was all simply a figment of my imagination as told by me and you can extract anything you like from it and apply it to your experience and we can enjoy it together.
We may be living out our beliefs but that is no reason to be scared or critical about our choices. I am having a human experience and I am in a human body suit, at least that is the story I am telling, and I cannot shut off the movie that is playing out. All I can do is settle in, buckle my seat belt and take the ride.
When I’m just Being, there is not a thought to distract me … I’m simply in the moment.
If I pause and give it some thought, then I can see if there is a judgment and if anything is true and immediately, I realize that none of it is true and I take another step … another breath … another look and give “Thanks” for the opportunity to Realize.
I heard Byron Katie say that “Reality is God” and for that, I stand in awe and appreciation for every opportunity that invites me to question my thoughts. What ever is happening … is simply happening or simply Is, and it’s all God.
Is that true? I don’t know for sure.
I am humbled and I am deeply grateful.
All my love ~ Noël ♥